A woman named Dharmiza

Happy birthday to one of my bestest buddies, Dayang Nur Salmi Dharmiza.

We've known each other since we were like 12, but started to be besties when we were 14. We sat next to each other when we were in form 2 and 3. Right in the first row. Hahah, I remember we always did our own thing during classes. Laughing like crazy people. Writing letters to our crushes. Hahaha that was so stupid. remember the bad boys? syawal and shane? Calling radio 4. OMGGGGGG. Invented our own hi-five which always got people amazed everytime we did it in front of them.

I miss you so badly. I think it's almost 5 years now. It's so hard to get to you eh? I mean, I got to see wawa, muni and other people. But you, are like, are you running away from me? hahah.

I have a dream. One day, you, wawa, muni and I. We go on a vacation together. Please make my dream come true. What do you guys say? :)

Anyway, again happy birthday to you darling. Your card in own its way. I hope it gets to you. Have a great birthday honey. LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
:D

hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

failure, maybe

disappointment brings you nowhere... sigh... i have no choice, but to keep on moving. I have an assignment due on Saturday, and I have math on monday, and energy on wednesday. And, I haven't started anything on math or energy yet.

plus, a problem which is very personal.

i haven't written anything happy or interesting for since like, 3 months. So, I'll try and pretend to talk about some happy stuffs now. zelda: the spirit tracks is out, i got the game plus the collectors' edition guide, hardcover and full coloured-pages. Buddy, you're the best. Thanks Nasri :D

there, happy for like 45 seconds. i'm back to misery mode.

The reasons

to be gila are as follows,

1 - two fkcing long assignments due on monday. so, my weekend was not really a weekend. before that in the previous week, i had an assignment due on thursday which was quite a tough one and a lab report due on friday. and it was on friday when i found out that i have another two assignments due next week, which were math and physics. so i had, two long assignments due on monday, the JFET and MOSFET shit due on tuesday, presentation on wednesday, math assignment on wave equation and laplace on the same day (which of course i wasn't able to finish all of them) and finally i have a project report due on friday. and next week i'll have my first exam on the 10th. which is not that bad. but i just found out about that today after paid the student account office a visit.

2- this is another story. i couldn't view my exam schedule because of outstanding balance from summer. So i thought my sponsor did not pay the full amount and so i emailed them, and since i was too worried about my exams schedule, and i had been waiting for like one week so i emailed them again, with like a firmer tone. not rude. well i just said, can i have some updates on this matter asap please? just like that. and so officer called me and said they had already paid the fees in May. and suddenly i remember adding another course but dropped it during the first week of the academic session. it turned out that i'd be charged around 40% for dropping the course during that week. somehow i wasn't aware of this, i just thought that there would be no penalty for dropping the course early. so that is where my outstanding account came from. and i was like being scolded by the head officer, well it wasn't really a fierce scolding but i just felt bad, cause oh well, i have my story which i think is inappropriate for me to share with everyone. but the thing is, this case really made me feel so upset and now i'm worried, cause my sponsor requested for my transcript and if they found out that i dropped the other course as well, i really can't imagine what would happen. might just mean that i might not be able to go back home next year :( i just hope that everything is going to be fine. so adik2 mara, if you want to add any courses during summer, just make sure that you make up your mind earlier and if you want to drop anything, make sure that the thing that happened to me would not happen to you. cause trust me, there is really no fun in dealing with this matter. plus the hectic week that i'm having right now. it's funny cause my intention to better my grades turned out to be, self-destructive.

3-i'm scared. my courses are really tough this term. i'm not lying.

4-i'm double-scared. next term smells like a hell year, might be worse than this term.

so i do have the right to be gila, don't I?

quantized being

i really need to boost up my spirit. life has been so stressful and full of disappointment. I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. what to dooooooooo? :(

sorry to mimie, wawa, paris and anas who had been worried about me last week. thank you so much for caring. i know it's kinda gedik of me to do that. tension2 nak deactivate fb la, nak privatize blog la. but i guess i arrived to this point in my life where i felt like being disconnected from the world could bring me more peace and self-control.

i feel so weak these few days. and final exams are approaching.
from the universe point of view, i am only at a nano-scale. or perhaps pico or much less than that. i should be able to tunnel through any barriers. i don't know what went wrong, maybe the voltage applied to the barrier is too large. so i need to reconfigure my surroundings. but i don't know how and where to start.

maybe that's why we still can't find the one equation that could describe both the microscopic and macroscopic worlds. cause our wavelengths just do not coincide with the other spectral regions. talk about quantum tunneling.

i want to break free.

how come

i never realized that happiness is actually something that you can't share with someone else?
adeh... it's really demotivating when i have set my mind today that i am going to be good to everyone, that i'll try my best to be a better servant but at the end of the day i didn't get the response that i was hoping for. i really don't mind anymore.

*lets out a long sigh*

maybe this was the wrong path after all :(
and now i'm stuck. i can't say to my parents "mommy daddy i want to go home and be a kindergarten teacher."

i am just so disappointed with my life right now. i really really wish that I can turn back time. i know it's impossible. just saying. not sure if saying this would make me feel any better. but. *sighsssssssssssssss* for now, just stay away from my life. this hatred is just eating me up. right now.

:(

almost there

i have to do a presentation for my microsystems course next month. i don't like talking and standing in front of the audience :( things have been better for me. worried about my termal-fluid course. i think i screwed up my midterm. other stuff, as usual lab reports, assignments. never ending.

will be off to florida in winter. if everything goes as planned, will be seeing my beloved cousin who's in penn state right now. i miss her so much. i'd be so happy if she would really join me in this trip. and then seeing two of my MCB classmates as well. really looking forward to this.

operational amplifiers, heat transfer, quantum efficiency, born-Oppenheimer approximation, frobenius method, chi-square distribution. OMG i'm a physicist?


A FREAKING PHYSICIST who can do ENGINEERING, I AM? unbelievable. this really never crossed my mind.

hilarious.

the physics of aging

O Allah, I seek forgiveness for every sin, I committed, about which, of course, You know inside and out, from the beginning to the end of my life, whether committed deliberately or intentionally, few or many, abstruse or manifest, old or new, secretly carried out or openly done; and for whatever wrong I have done I turn repentant unto You and beseech You to bless Muhammad and the children of Muhammad and forgive all my unjust acts I did to wrong the people (because they have rights which I have to recognize and fulfill) but You have full authority to forgive those wrongdoings whenever and howsoever You wish, O the most merciful.

Dear God, thank you for everything.
Can't believe I'm already 22 hahaha.

Sigh

He's killing me.

mungkinkah

takkan aku nak hidup macam ni sepanjang 4 bulan? gile ape...

halfway through

third year. been through the first half of my 4-year studies. things are getting tougher i'm already worried about my final year.

i have no idea what's wrong with me. i received my raya biscuits package today. the postage is more expensive then the biscuits themselves haha. And i was so happy, getting something that's from home. something that has been touched by my parents who wrapped the containers and brought them to the post office. And I saw my dad's awful handwriting. Suddenly it seems like the most beautiful handwriting in the world. i cut off the address part along with the RM78-stamps and threw away the rest of the package. and i wish to keep the address part, which contains my dad's serenely beautiful handwriting...

my excitement was erased completely when i found that one of the containers was broken, the biscuits inside there were crushed so bad, i could hardly tell which kind of biscuit they were. later i realized the huge pieces of almond nuts that are not already in their respective paper cups. i guess it must be "almond london" la kan. i picked up every pieces and placed them back evenly into the empty cups that i could find. at the end of the transferring into another decent container, i found that my heart was already crushed, just like those crushed biscuits. i know, right? no big deal. it's common for this to happen. unless if the biscuits are hard like rocks, then this wouldn't happen at all. but it just saddens me that, the things that i got from home are crushed like that. though these are, not permanent stuff (it's not like i'm going to put them all on my shelf for display), it still makes me upset.

mom bought the wireless internet though we already have streamyx at home. but she said she's worried about not being able to chat with me online cause my parents were going back to Malacca a few days ago. The fact that she made that effort just to make sure that we would not lose contact for about a month, makes me think a lot whether I am capable of talking to them on the phone on raya's eve. i called them every year. but i never felt this hard before T_T

and this morning my junior posted this video



that managed to make my eyes sore till the end of the day. i was wondering if i am ever going to be like those children, or if i've already been one. "Mak tau korang semua busy." that's what my mom told me too. and right now i feel angry about my courses which are already giving me a lot of hard times, i can't chat with her as frequent as i used to. i hope i would not turn into that kind of child if i were to be destined to become successful one day...

seriously i feel like going through puberty for the first time all over again. i just can't get it, where did all these feelings come from? i'm kinda afraid of these changes. but the feeling is just aching down there. i miss my family super badly T_T

not so happy one

i've been bothered lately by school. and housemates. i really really hope my housemates this time are very nice and clean people. and school. i have 7 courses this term. and there are no final exams for two of them, my thermofluid course and my elective, microsystem technology. the microsystem course requires individual presentation as well as written report based on a project which can be chosen from a list of 60 topics. and the list is like some kind of alien language to me. i'm so worried. i think i'm panicking.

huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

yes, indeed. i am. panicking.

i hate presentations. and there's already an assignment due this friday, though classes just started a few days ago. i don't know why but i'm really scared. of school. but i have this, mountain of hope on my shoulder.

raya is coming soon. i miss my family. when i was home, i always felt upset when my mom delivered some "lectures" to me. yes. i still annoy my mom sometimes. hahaha. dad also knows how to lecture his children now. how my old peeps have changed. i remember when i was a kid, my parents were so strict. actually, strict is not the word. i don't know how to say 'garang' in english. but oh well, how i miss both of them right now...

i really want to go back home next year, and catch raya, i don't care if i had to skip a few classes next fall. i want to have a proper raya with my family, at my grandparents house. i just love the ambience.

chasing 'ayam kampung', nenek would be so happy to cook sambal ayam kampung for me. she knows it's my favourite. making 'kuih koci'. i used to help grandma baking pineapple tarts, sampret, maruku, gunting, bahulu, and so much more when raya was around the corner. this is my third, meaningless raya. i know i'm supposed to look at it in a more religious perspective. but i don't know, family is also a blessing from God, and I just can't take it off the equation.

perhaps, the first tears after two years of cold-blooded Eid.

did i mention that i love cats?
i love cats so much. i went to the International Cat Show at Copps Coliseum this morning and i found myself resisting very hard to explode like a stuffed blowfish. because cats are just the most elegant, cutest, most adorable, beautiful four-legged harmless creature on earth T_T

falling into niagara

went to niagara falls two days ago. i seriously am disappointed with my L. I need to upgrade my L!!!!!! T_T but i still love niagara falls. i made a promise, that one day, i am going to bring mommy daddy and amey here. and i'm gonna ride on the maid without a poncho. and walk behind the falls without a poncho. this is, my dream. yay.

Niagara ftw!

why can't i just forget everything that would make other people feel miserable every time i think of it? i hate myself.

commodified world

how such a pure thing could go through commodification. knowledge is being labeled with price tags. what a shame. i have 6 required textbooks this term. and they all cost me around CAD660. which if tax was included, in Ontario it's 13%, comes down to roughly CAD750.

Couldn't the world be crueler than that?

And my tuition fees per year are about CAD20 000 plus. Though I don't pay my tuition fees, dudeeee that's like a lot of money. I'm not the only international student at Mac.

Anyways, i'm like so in love with long exposures, at night especially.

And i like these boots, helppppppp

just wondering

why? can't ppl. just live happily and get along with each other? regardless of our believes, our colours, our languages. why do some people have to call names and become so selfish, very intolerant. we are all human. we bleed the same red, we walk on two feet, we talk, we think, what makes one of us so much special than the others? and deserves more than the others do? whaaaaaat?

seriously i could cry thinking about this. sometimes i feel ashamed of being in the human category. and the internet is so full of these humans who love to shoot words that could hurt other people's feelings. there was not even one time that i didn't feel angry when i read the articles and debates posted online. most of them are just wrapped in hatred. which then triggers the hatred in me. but i don't want to be filled with hatred. cause it is really not the greatest feeling in the world. god, help us.

love everyone, please?


my kids going to sleep (in my new comforter set from levi strauss :D)

etre ou ne pas etre

i have an ambition. a dream. of becoming somebody who could contribute to a better world in the future. but...

some of the things i've done

i've never pictured myself engaging and involving in any serious kitchen's businesses. but last weekend was a turning point in my life. okay i did some cooking lately since i have the time (all these whiles i could hardly cook my own breakfast, lunch and dinner because of my crazy university life, ended up eating junkies most of the time) and because i want to save up. nasi goreng, cheese omelette, sayo2 goreng, you know simple stuffs, i managed to savour the deliciousness yet really not fancy at all lauk pauk. but the baking industry. to me is like doing advanced quantum mechanics when i was in kindergarten.

but i had no idea what has gotten to me, one day i just rode on my bike and cycled all the way to fortinos and bought the ingredients that i needed to bake some cookies. and i did it.

i'm so happy with the end product i can cry now.

hahahah nah, that's too much. have a look at my production :D

my cookie dough


my very disciplined cookies


first attempt: i didn't know that the dough would become chubbier, these ones are a bit chewy and thick


Better looking, I had them flatten and in lines with very small portions


I think the taste was not bad, and my friends seem to like them :D i'm so happy

then i had arep over the weekend, crazing over cycling he finally got the hidayah to come down here and hearing from him this statement "cantek gak hamilton ni", i feel proud. i don't know why.

we went hiking to see some of the waterfalls (out of 100+ waterfalls) in hamilton; webster's falls and tew's falls. i really love that place. i have to go there again in fall and winter. have to!

with alyssa

nice bridge

a small river that leads to the waterfall


modernized; preservation


webster's falls


tew's falls


the bottom of tew's falls


wild apples on the ground, i tried one but i got a very sour one



dundas peak where we could see the whole hamilton


Taking a break

the sky turned dark as we made our way back to the bus stop. and right after we got into a bus, it rained very heavily. i reached home half wet.

on the next weekend, i went to ISNA convention which was a two-day program of islamic lectures marathon, starting at 10am till 10pm. that was the first of such event that i've ever attended to and i think it was not bad at all. i think it was a bit hasty though cause sitting for like 3 hours and trying to concentrate really drained the energy in me. and one thing i learned from this convention about myself; i cannot engage in a lecture, expecially a long one in the afternoon, especially after i had my lunch as this will lead to zero attention towards the topics being discussed about, in other words, i'd fall to sleep regardless how great the speaker is.

speakers like Dr Munir El-Kassem and Shaykh Muhammad Al Ninowy are my favourites, though i did fall asleep during one of their sessions heheh. what? the place is air-conditioned, the seat is quite comfortable, and it was during the afternoon, with my stomache just been filled with yummy things, how could i not fall asleep?

also got a new friend. he's so sexy rawwwrrrr. he cost me a fraction of a fortune. oh yeah, we also had a malaysian picnic last week, we had rendang ayam (which turned out to be less authentic - as put by one of the websites as we didn't have kerisik - and too yellowish cause we put in too many tumeric - that was an accident), nasi lemak, chai choy (chinese style mixed vege dish), hamilton yellow plums and pumpkin cakes courtesy of alyssa for our desserts :D

killing the shallots, gingers, tumeric, galangal and all


alyssa being patient kaw2 handling my lousy blender (which is actually for making smoothies but that's okay, the reason i bought it in the first place was to blend dried chillies but i had been making mango smoothies with it, so smoothing service will no longer be available after this)


Chef Nasri happily showed off his skills


There it is, the rendang ayam


and nasi lemak, with the coconut milk's precipitation on the pandan's leaves

And I do not have the chai choy's picture in Bulu. Sorryyyyy! Hahaha.

so what else have i been doing? playing with sackboy...

sackboy's cuteeeeeee

and so, yeah, that's it. for now. selamat berpuasa to everyone :D

a boring soul

what do you get when you add a kid you can't write good essays and summer holidays? the answer is paper folding :|

blossoming flower, this one was quite challenging. as you can see the centre is torn, i should have used a bigger square.


a messed up seahorse


a four-leaf clover, also not neat


the back of the clover

A more challenging project for me is the football. I started out yesterday and I just finished assembling it just now.

a hexagon in the process


done


the cost of this project; super messy desk


the football halfway


and the final product

Have a look at the video. and yeah i used unused papers. and i know the hexagons don't fit tightly and neatly, i was doing this cincai2. will do a better version next time. still, i'm very satisfied with it. cause the assembly was really a pain in the ass.

what's next?