Reflection

ouch. ouch. ouch.
i've been hearing myself muttering this word every 15 seconds. well... i got beaten up again. this time, he was like kicking without mercy at all. i almost cried, and i'm not ashamed of admitting that. hahah. cause it's true. he was like

"are you mad now?"
"does that hurt?"
"it feels great, eh? to be kicked 3 three times in a row."
"are you gonna cry now?"

i said no!

"tell me when you are about to cry, then we'll stop"

he is so mean. but really, i actually appreciate what he did to me. i know he was trying to make me push my limits. but how did it affect me? zero. i don't know why i didn't kick him back so hard. just throw lots and lots of kicks. at the back of my head, i had " i got an assignment due tomorrow, i don't want to end up sleeping after i have my shower later tonight." My body kept telling me, "please i can't stand this anymore. i'm so tired, i'm running out of energy. i can't even breathe properly."

and while we were doing stretching after that, while we were forced to do the split,

"yes, it hurts. if you don't like doing this, then don't bother to come."

and he went on and on saying things like,

"i don't understand why don't you people put in your 100% in doing something. like me, i work, i go to school too like you guys do, i'm doing a two-year program in only one year, and i still practice taekwondo every week. You guys might think that I'm an alien, but to me if i don't want to give my 100% in doing something, I wouldn't even bother to do it"

I was like, God what kind of man is this guy. He's talking like he's the most perfect human being in the whole world. We argued with him, but somehow we realized that we couldn't really come up with better arguments against him. I told him "I don't have enough passion like you to do all these extreme stretchings and kickings, (i'm here to keep myself fit and in shape)"

"see, that's already a sign of a loser"
"doesn't mean that if i don't put in my 100% in something, i'm a loser. everyone is better at something than anyone else."
"how do you know that you are not better than other people?"
"(well, i know cause i know myself)"

yeah so he kept on babbling. i didn't really spill out everything that i had in mind,cause i just wanted to respect him, as a student.

"you have a weird principal"

hahah, the rest laughed and he was like "i know you guys must think i'm an alien."

he also told us,

"I used to feel like want to beat up all my friends in school."

my friend said, "why don't you just go for olympics"

"i went for world championship."

i asked, "did you win?"

"i got silver. and it sucked. that's why i don't want to do competitions anymore."

and he was like, "the guy who got gold, he won by one point. that's why for some people, competitions mean something to them. and for some people, they don't really mean anything. to me, that was something for me in my life. even though i didn't win gold, but at least i knew i've tried my very best."

and he commented on last week's belt testing. he was like, your patterns were good, even though i didn't teach you the last one. you did very good at those. your kicks were good too, and your sparring, you've improved a lot. One thing you need to improve is that, your kickings have no power. so i'm gonna give you blue, but after this summer, if i'm still here i wanna see you improve. i want to see your kicking to have more power.

i'd want to blame my body. for being too small. thus less power could be delivered. but as he said to me, that would just mean that what a loser i am. for thinking like that. how i wish... i have the same courage and passion. but unfortunately, i don't.

later that night when i was on my way home. with these aching on my body. i think i got kicked a lot on my arms and hips. my legs hurt everytime i walk, or sit down. when i took a shower just now, even the tiny forces applied by the droplets from the shower were enough to make me bite my lip, trying to bear with the pain. this might sound like an exaggeration, but i'm not lying.

and it got me to think. maybe he was right. maybe that is what i've been missing all this while. the willing to give in my 100% in everything that I do. Maybe that kind of explains my marks right now. i'm not like getting super bad marks, but i'm just not satisfied with all my midterm marks so far. but i can't complain. it was all my fault.

and with all the pain i have right now. it feels different. like some sort of a punishment. an immediate punishment for me, an ungrateful servant who seems to have been lost in this world. and being a human i think it's a nature (or perhaps it's a nature of this type of human being called linda) to try to blame anything that surrounds us at that moment. like school, exams, assignments, projects, friends. but right after i pointed my finger at them, i realized that, there were another three fingers from the very same hand that i used to point to other things that were pointing at me, telling myself that I was the one who should be blamed for all these. shit.

my point is, mr coach, i do think that you're a weird guy. selfish and arrogant at times, judging from the way you state your personal opinions and all. but somehow i think, your crappy opinions are able to trigger people's minds. well at least my mind.

and a silent prayer. forgive me. and help me through the fires. everything that i do, is for You.